The Comparison Game

Also featuring brotox, the art of running the perfect bath and shadow batting.

I’m sorry I didn’t send out my newsletter last week, I was too busy playing the comparison game. And I lost, catastrophically.

I’m embarrassed to admit that recently, I’ve sat on my phone for hours a day fixating on what other people are doing. My screen time has gone through the roof. But being unemployed and stuck at home makes it hard to break away from these bad habits. Lately, even when I’m walking down the street or hanging out with my friends, I have often caught myself thinking, ‘Why haven’t I achieved as much as them when we went to the same school?’, ‘Why do they have everything together and I don’t?’ or ‘How did they do that by my age and I haven’t even landed a big job yet?’ My self-esteem hit near rock bottom last week and I felt like a failure.

Yes, I hear many of you asking, ‘Why do you play this game of comparison when it is a losing battle?’ But with mass social media, coupled with being constantly told that these are meant to be the best years of my life as well as the ‘must do before you hit thirty’ list of societal pressures, it feels like every element of my life is up for comparison and it is easy to fall into the trap of playing this game every day.

Since I’ve been unemployed, my day-to-day routine often looks like this:

I know that seems like a perfectly normal and boring day for someone unemployed, but it wasn’t until I really broke down what I was doing each day and which apps I was using that it made me realise how easy it is to compare yourself to others constantly nowadays.

Look, I’m not asking for pity here. I’m just trying to show you how easy it is to (sub)consciously compare yourself to your peers throughout the day, due to the bombardment of social media notifications you receive, letting you know what your friends or celebrities have been up to, and the societal demands of where you should be at your age. There is just so much opportunity to compare ourselves to others these days that people didn’t have twenty years ago.

You also should be posting your achievements on LinkedIn, gorgeous holiday photos on Instagram or super speedy runs on Strava if you want. My comparisons have nothing to do with you. They are me projecting my insecurities onto other people.

Comparison is engrained in us. As much as 10% of our daily thoughts involve comparisons of some kind. Fruit and veg are compared against each other as to whether they are good enough quality to make it into our shopping baskets. Modes of transport are compared against each other as to which is more efficient. Films are compared against each other for the Oscars. Puppies are compared against each other to which one is less likely to shit all over your floor. But it is social comparison i.e. the act of comparing our abilities, traits, etc. to others, so that we can evaluate whether we are doing a good job or not, that can be toxic if it is not used for the right reasons.

Social media, in particular, allows us to constantly compare ourselves to the idealised and artificial versions of our peers at any time of the day. These external indicators of success, such as the job promotion post, the reel of the holiday in the Maldives or the engagement announcement, have been carefully curated by the poster and are the biggest moments of their day or year. These moments are neither a well-rounded nor accurate representation of how their life is going 24/7. Even when people do post their breakdowns on social media, it’s usually in a cutesie-sort of way. Therefore, it is important to remind oneself that you are probably comparing your lowest moments to other people’s highest to try and make a mental calculation of where you stand in society. And several of these people (e.g. celebrities, role models) you might have never even met. They might be going through the worst time of their life right now and you are gasping over their ‘goals’ relationship which is about to break down. You're making a judgment based on limited knowledge of a situation. Also, friends can be at very different stages in their lives and that is okay. Your time will come. Why would you want to peak in your twenties when you might have fifty-plus years to live? It’s not all about getting into the Forbes Under 30s list.

Equally, you don’t want to be doing downward social comparison, which is where you use other people’s experiences to make you feel better about yourself for a short spike in self-esteem. No one wants to be around someone who is arrogant and egotistical.

The good form of social comparison is when you proactively aspire to be more like your role models. Get in touch with them and ask them how they got to where you want to be. Ask about the good times and the bad. I’m sure it wasn’t all that easy.

Credit: The Open Invite

Anyway, I’m sorry, I have rather dragged on, but I hope I might have helped someone reading this a little bit in some way. It is your choice as to whether you want to expose yourself to this easing of comparison, so if you don’t, delete it. But, if like me, you need social media for your career, make sure to consciously take some time off from it. This week, I went to a sound bath, finally went on that run I wanted to do, went to an exhibition and a play. It was lovely. Or try the Danish concept of ‘pyt’, a term used by Danes to express that they accept a situation is out of their control, and even though they might be annoyed or frustrated, they decide not to waste unnecessary energy on thinking more about it.

Now onto the fun stuff…

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Conversation Starters

Last week, women were igniting all our conversations. In particular, the royals. Kate Middleton’s photoshop disaster caused uproar amongst the public, with TikTok conspiracy theories on her whereabouts running wild and the family portrait appearing on pretty much every newspaper’s front page. The photo mishap even made it onto Bulgaria’s 10 o'clock news! Judging by the world’s reaction, you might have thought she’d been caught streaking across Kensington Gardens, had a Britney Spears 2008 breakdown or had sworn on camera whilst out on royal duties. But, no, as dear Kate put it, ‘Like many amateur photographers, I do occasionally experiment with editing. I wanted to express my apologies for any confusion the family photograph we shared yesterday caused.’ Despite some theorising that she might be recovering from plastic surgery or might have even died, many believe she is having some mental health crisis. I can assure you that if she wasn’t having one before, she definitely is now.

Credit: Paul Ellis/ AFP via Getty Images

A few days later, Queen Camilla claimed she had had fifty years knocked off her life as she was the latest to become barbified. The Queen was presented with a look-a-like Barbie doll at an International Women’s Day reception she hosted at Buckingham Palace last week. 

Credit: Paul Grover for The Telegraph

And then came Meghan Markle’s return to Instagram - after four silent years - with the announcement of her new lifestyle and wellness brand set to rival Gwenth Paltrow’s Goop and Kourtney Kardashian’s Poosh. Although the brand name includes actual words in the dictionary, American Riviera Orchard sounds ridiculous. Many thought the name might be the ‘what3words’ address to the Duchess of Sussex’s mansion. Before you check for yourself, it’s not. However, I am intrigued to see what new angle she might bring to the already very saturated market of celebrity-fronted lifestyle brands. Maybe she’ll release her own “This smells like my vagina” candle…

However, there were also some important headlines and trends in the news last week that you might have missed out on with regards to men… 

• Brotox (aka Botox for men) - More men than ever are seeking out cosmetic surgery, with the amount of money men spend on Brotox rising by 400% since 2000.* It seems that the beauty industry has run out of ideas when it comes to making women feel insecure about their appearance and so has now turned its attention towards inundating men with unattainable standards, compelling them to spend money in a futile attempt to silence their self-conscious thoughts. Many of you reading this might be thinking, ‘Oh that is just the Love Islanders and the Barbie Kens of this world!’ But, according to recent interviews carried out by the Telegraph, the majority of men getting “brotox” are heterosexual city workers who just want to look a little less tired and a bit sharper.

• Aaron Taylor-Johnson - who? - this week a source told the Sun: ‘Bond is Aaron’s job, should he wish to accept it. The formal offer is on the table and they are waiting to hear back. As far as Eon (the production company that has made most of the Bond films) is concerned, Aaron is going to sign his contract in the coming days and they can start preparing for the big announcement.’ But what happened to Idris Elba, Tom Hardy or James Norton taking over from Daniel Craig? Tbf Taylor-Johnson recently starred in the action-packed Bullet Train and is the lead in the soon-to-be-released action/sci-fi The Kraven Hunter. And if his performance of Robbie, Georgia’s boyfriend, back in 2008’s Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging is anything to go off of, his ‘sex god’ looks and desire to never let anyone down will make him a brilliant, heartthrob Bond.

  

  Credit: Getty Images

• Eating disorders among men are on the rise - eating disorders have the second highest mortality rate of any mental illness, with someone dying as a direct result of an eating disorder every 52 minutes in the US.* Stereotypes and stigmas surrounding EDs, such as ‘it’s only a women’s issue,’ mean they are often misdiagnosed or underdiagnosed. However, an estimated 25% of people with eating disorders are men* and the number of boys and men being admitted to hospital for eating disorders rose by 128% between 2015/2016 and 2020/21*. N.B. These numbers only reflect those who feel able to come forward. Yes, perhaps not a conversation starter for a first date, but an important one for a close companion who might be suffering. These statistics are an important wake-up call to reality. While it is well known that eating disorders are on the rise, it is lesser known that this is among men too.

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Lorna’s loves and loathes of the week

Loves

• Terrestrial TV is back - I’ve always been a fan of watching the proper stuff on the big black box. Growing up, I never had Sky, and so I’d often feel a little bit left out at break time when I could never get involved in the iCarly chat or The Suite Life on Deck jokes. Instead, I’d be pretending my family had estranged me and I was in the dumping ground with Tracy Beaker or using my pencil as a walkie-talkie as they do in M.I.High to spy on the rest of the playground with my best mate Fern. Then, as I grew older, I longed for Wednesday to come so I could watch The Apprentice with my dad and I couldn’t wait to curl up on the sofa on a Saturday night and flick between Merlin, The X Factor and Strictly. But then came Netflix, Amazon Prime, Now TV, Apple TV and so on, and all the best films and shows were behind big-fat paywalls. Luckily, we hacked the system and so did the rest of the world, as the boy you went on a date with’s step-sister’s cousin's Netflix password would soon be circulated around our various girl’s group chats. But this year, after many of these subscription streaming services continue to up their prices and their crackdown on password sharing (fair enough), I’m contemplating giving up my streaming subscriptions because 2024 is the year terrestrial TV is taking over from the streamers. So far, we’ve had The Traitors (BBC), Mr Bates vs The Post Office (ITVX), Truelove (Channel 4), Breathtaking (ITVX) and more. And we’ve got titles such as Big Mood (Channel 4), Joan (ITVX) and Shuggie Bain (BBC) to come! 

Credit: xavierarnau

• Running the perfect bath- There is a certain art to running the perfect bath. Get the temperature right and you feel like you're worth a million bucks. You can lie back in a deep state of relaxation with your disconcerting coal face mask on, crinkled book in hand and the aromas of Neal’s Yard lavender and geranium bath salts wafting through the bathroom. It’s as if you're without a worry in the world. But get it wrong? It ruins your evening. If you run it too cold, it is a rushed, unsatisfactory dip and you’re left feeling vexed over the fact that you didn’t get that hour of relaxation that you were so looking forward to when you opted out of going to the pub instead. However, if it’s too hot, you are awkwardly standing in it, your calves and feet turning bright red like a lobster as it comes to the boil, whilst you swish running cold water around the tub to try and get it to an acceptable temperature that you can submerge yourself in. You give up and accept that you are going to be cooked alive anyway. Once, you’ve got out of the too-hot bath, you find yourself lying on your bed, profusely sweating and feeling like you might faint. Similar to what I imagine it feels like to be a beached whale.

Loathes

• M&S launching padded knickers - Yes, I know padded pants have been around for a while, with the big bum queen herself, Kim Kardashian, selling similar items on the website of her retail brand SKIMS - as does Spanx. But, now they are coming to the mainstream market, as leading lingerie brand M&S is set to launch their “bum-boosting” collection in May.

  

  Credit Marks & Spencer

  But are these not ridiculous? The demand for a big bum is going too far. I can’t help but think that soon we are going to have fourteen-year-olds not only walking around in bras that are far too big with enough padding for a boxing bag (myself guilty as charged at that age), but also with huge fake bums too. Although, I guess they might prevent women from going to the extremes of getting a BBL (Brazilian Bum Lift), which has recently been dubbed the most dangerous surgery in the world.

• Boys ‘shadow batting’- No you are not teeing off at St Andrews Old Course or opening the batting in a test match at Lord’s, so please stop making me feel like I’m about to be whacked in the face with a cricket or golf ball when I'm walking down the street minding my own business or buying my groceries in the shop. For those of you who don’t know what I mean by the term ‘shadow batting’ (I didn’t know what the exact term was to describe this action until I asked my boyfriend, a regular offender), it involves pretending to bat with no ball involved. It can be done with or without the bat in hand and the general idea is, if you’re a professional, to stimulate the action over and over again to train your body so it becomes second nature. A few years ago, former Australian cricket captain Steve Smith was caught red-handed ‘shadow batting’ in his hotel room. But at least he’s a professional. My housemate said that most boys are fantasising that they are some seasoned professional about to be the hero that scores a century for England or wins The Ryder Cup. Well, to that I say, wake up. You’re not Tiger Woods or Ben Stokes. Please stop swooshing around with your make-believe bat or club, particularly in the kitchen.

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That’s all for now. I hope next time you strike up a conversation with someone, it won't have to be “The weather really has been awful lately hasn’t it?”, “Any fun plans this evening?” or even worse… “How was your commute today?”

And look after yourself. It can be a tough old world out there. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please click here to access help. My Instagram DMs are always open too :)

Love LP xx

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References

*according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. 

*according to Beat, the UK’s leading charity supporting those affected by eating disorders

*according to the Eating Disorders Coalition